Saturday, January 19, 2008

I don't believe I'm about to disclose this:

Here goes nothing: I weigh 250 pounds. *

I thought in the interest of starting fresh with this new way of eating and losing weight, I should just put that out there for the world and me to see. The big motivation will be getting to update that number as my weight goes down. Because it has to go down. Pre-pregnancy I weighed 280, I went down to 260 while I was pregnant because I was being so careful with my carb intake and once Zoe was born I almost instantly lost the other 10. Since then I've been at a stand still mainly because I was not putting any effort into losing. I got lazy and went nuts when I was allowed to have pasta and rice and bread again. So there you go.

Five years ago, (when I met Daniel) I weighed 180 pounds. I was on my feet for most of my day working at Pier One and I did heavy lifting every single week taking in the trucks of merchandise. I ate smaller amounts back then because I was too busy to sit down for a big meal. When I got injured and later diagnosed with RSD, I got depressed and lazy. I ate to fill my time. Add all the medications (including steroids) and inactivity and I gained... and gained. I lost some weight before our wedding, but it was really hard. I did it on my own and I wouldn't say I did it the healthy way. Losing weight has always been a struggle with me. When we went to our fertility specialist we found out I have PCOS, which explains a lot. I'm lucky and do not have a lot of the symptoms, but I do have the issue with my periods, ovulating, ovarian cysts, insulin resistance and obesity. I have an uphill battle to get to a healthy weight, but I'm going to do it.

Daniel is being so supportive. He keeps telling me this is a "marathon, not a race." He is absolutely right and yet, I wish it could be a race. I wish I could just lose all this weight and feel good about my body again. In high school I had problems with food : I binged and purged and made myself sick and then I just stopped myself because I was scared. I weighed 120 pounds back then - I was half of me. That freaks me out. For my height and age, my max should be 144 pounds. Right now, that seems so far away!

"This is a marathon, not a race." I can do this, but it is SO not going to be easy.

* Apparently, I don't look like I weigh that much, but trust me I do. We just bought a scale for the house and the scale does not lie. I guess I hide it well with the clothes I wear and the angles I take my pics but there you go: 250. I wear a size 18/20 in shirts because my boobs are so darn big, but my waist is fairly small considering. I can fit in size 16 pants, but my stomach is a hell of a lot happier if I go up a size to give me room to breathe. I have a really hard time shopping in the "Women's" department because I'm not big everywhere. Clothes tend to look like bags on my shape if they don't have tie backs. Buttons on shirts are my worst enemy because they pop at the chest. Having big boobs is a curse (although Daniel has no complaints).

Monday I'll take my measurements when I do my weigh in so I can track that do.

Just so you know, I've read this post three times and considered deleting and just posting a pic of the monkey. Posting my weight for everyone to see is a huge deal for me. Gah!

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