Wednesday, October 28, 2009

You Know....

you're a theatre person and/or a mom to a toddler when you find yourself making up songs* about the asshats you share the road** with.

P-R-I,C,K
I,C,K
I,C,K

P-R-I-C-K
You are a
Prick!

ck,ck,ck


IMG_7982

Further proof:

IMG_7964
***
Last night I sung an impromptu duet with my daughter about bedtime. Impromptu because my portion of the song is verses I made up a while ago about it being time for bed and how little girls... and now, little boys - need their sleep. Zoe's portion is new, as far as I know and it's about how it is not time for bed but in fact, time to "PLAY THE DRUM!" and "DANCE!" She harmonized perfectly with me and managed to overlap with my portion of the song in such a way that it sounded like we'd been singing this song exactly this way for AGES.

I've said it before, but
1. We have a lot of fun in this house.
2. Zoe seems to be musically inclined and a GENIUS.


* - Zoe was not in the car with me and Finn was asleep.
** - I'm driving again. VERY cautiously and very anxious while I'm doing it... and only short distances in low traffic areas, but I'm driving. Baby steps.
*** - Photo not actually taken last night, but rather last week when Zoe requested that she be a princess and we proceeded to call each other "Your Highness" and speak in very uppity, exaggerated accents... even Zoe. See? Theatre people!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Vulnerable

When Daniel and I fell in love, I felt what it was like to have complete happiness and know that I had a partner whom I could depend on. After years in a horrible relationship, I discovered what it meant to love someone so completely, selflessly and honestly. We faced health obstacles, but we persevered through our sense of humor and knowledge that we would always be there for each other. Marrying him cemented that for me and while on one hand I felt like we were unstoppable, I also was keenly aware that I never wanted to lose him.

Shortly after our one year wedding anniversary, we found out that we were expecting our first child, Zoe. In those nine months of carrying her, I worried for her well being every single day. And then I met her. I held her in my arms and looked in her eyes and I felt this over powering love for this little being I'd helped create. It was love at first sight, I was meant to be HER mom.

There is no way I can compare the love I feel for Daniel and Zoe. What I can do is tell you that when we she came into the world, I became fiercely protective of our family and I suddenly felt very vulnerable to all the horrible things that happen every day. Fast forward nineteen months later to Finnegan's birth and that protectiveness increased exponentially. Now I had these two little beings who depended on Daniel and me to keep them safe and healthy.

After Daniel and I met I knew I'd finally met the love of my life. I had no idea that I would be so lucky as to have THREE loves of my life. My worst nightmare is to have anything happen to any of them.

When we had our accident almost three weeks ago, I was sure I was going to lose them all forever. And typing those words literally hurts my heart.

I'm not going to detail what I felt in those moments again because frankly, I can't. In the days since, I've been trying to let it all go. I've been trying to forget it all, but I can't do that either. As much as I'd like to just pick myself up and carry on like we were never in the accident, I just can't. Now that we've had the accident, I feel like we are all even more vulnerable than before. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed to all these dangers. Rationally, I know that we're physically going to be alright. Zoe's scars will fade. Eventually my physical pain will subside. But the feeling that something horrible might happen again when I least expect it nags at me. I'm afraid to drive. I've been behind the wheel once since the accident - two weeks ago - and I had panic attacks and cried the entire way home. When I'm a passenger, my entire body is tense and it somehow finds a way to get even more tense when we have to go through an intersection. Every vehicle coming in our direction seems like it is speeding towards us. I brace myself for an impact multiple times in one trip and flashes of the truck that hit us come at me. The fear is not just with me when we're in our car. I'm afraid to be home alone. I jump when I hear a noise. I rush to my kids if they make any noise out of the ordinary. I've convinced myself that danger will come again when we least expect it - like it's out to get us because we are not alert enough or we're too happy.

I know I'm supposed to just be grateful. I've been told I need to get back to driving and let it all go... but something is holding me back. I do not feel like myself anymore.

Friday, October 09, 2009

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since our accident. Twelve days since we were hit as we were making a left turn, by someone running a red light. Ten days since I sat down and wrote about the accident and what I was feeling.

At first, it was for selfish reasons. I have always turned to my writing as a way to purge and cope, so when I was feeling overwhelmed with the sensory flashbacks of the accident, I decided to write about it. I thought it would help me let it go.

When I’d finished, I decided I wanted to share what I was going through – first with my friends and family through my Facebook. The responses I got were so powerful; I decided to post it on my blog.

I never expected to be contacted by the local newspaper. When I got the email requesting to publish what I’d written, I seriously considered declining. It was one thing to share with a few hundred of my closest friends and my small following of blog readers, but this felt so exposing. I wanted to walk away from these bad feelings and focus on being alive like so many people had been encouraging me to do.

But I couldn’t just walk away. Not from what I was feeling and not from the opportunity to raise awareness.

I feel like my family survived that impact for a purpose. I feel like I’ve been given this opportunity to share what happened to us and get people to focus on being better drivers and being more aware. I hope that people will read that my children’s car seats saved their lives and check to see that their own children’s car seats are installed correctly.

I’m choosing to turn this into a positive. This is not the last you will hear about this.