Drained

This last week (and especially the last 41 hours) has been physically and emotionally draining. Between finding out we have a new baby on the way, our little girl being sick, me and Daniel being sick, and then losing Evan Saturday night... I'm exhausted. Seeing Zoe's happy little face, focusing on our growing family, the support Daniel and I get from each other and our friends and family is what is getting us through this. My dad put it very well yesterday afternoon when he told me how blessed Daniel and I are to have such strong relationships with our friends and family. He said one of the dangers of having so many amazing people in our lives is that eventually we are going to lose them and that really, we all go before our time. He said what we need to hold on to is the time we did have with our friend and make more memories with the people still with us. Unlike my husband, I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Evan - but I'd looked forward to those camping trips we said we'd all take at Leakey. I looked forward to my children being around their uncle and learning his quirky, fun sense of humor and about his interest in travel, language, movies, etc. My hope is that the rest of us can all plan a trip to Leakey sometime soon to keep that tradition alive over the years. Leakey has been a special place for Daniel and his friends. I think now more than ever, we should try to make it a tradition to return there to continue celebrating the various rites of passage our lives take (already there has been 4 marriages, 1 birth and now two wives are pregnant now - our tribe is growing). Losing my grandparents was painful and sad and I miss them every day and wish they were here, but losing someone who had so much life in him and who had so much to offer this world hurts beyond measure and leaves me sad... angry... scared. It scares me that life can be taken away so quickly. I found myself panicking when Daniel left the house yesterday and this morning. I felt anxious driving Zoe to Cheryl's today. I feel myself wanting to put all of my loved ones in a little bubble to keep them safe and protected even though I know this is unrealistic and irrational. I feel less naive today than I was two days ago. I feel drained. In about two hours I have an appointment at my OB/GYN's office for my "orientation". I'm sort of perplexed since I was nine months pregnant a year ago and don't really feel like I need them to tell me what not to eat and how to take care of myself and this baby. What I am looking forward to is getting the results of my quantitative blood test. We really have no idea how far along I am because I was so irregular, so I'm hoping this test will pinpoint more of a range based on my HcG levels. From there we'll be able to decide when the best time is to do our first ultrasound and then we can get an even more accurate measurement. Like I said before, it helps to be able to focus on this new life inside me and on Zoe. We'll take all the good news and joy we can get right now. Do me a favor - reach out to your friends and loved ones today. Make plans with people you haven't gotten together with for a while. I promise, you won't regret it.

I Hate Goodbyes

I have always admired Daniel's friendship with "the guys" as I dubbed them. They had a closeness that even though none of them are especially good at picking up the phone or emailing, they picked up where they left off when they saw each other. That bond, (those friendships) was one of the things that made me fall in love with Daniel. And they made me feel welcome and a part of that group right away. First when I met some of them on my first trip to Austin and then when we went to Midland for Daniel and Sarah's wedding. I'd known Evan for less than 24 hours and he was telling me that he loved me and smacking me on the ass. I was slightly overwhelmed then, and then after some explaining from Daniel and just being around him, I came to see that that was his way of bringing me into the group and making me feel welcome. I'd like to believe that smack was his sign of approval. We got some very sad, horrible news today that Evan was in a fatal car accident. We don't know details, all we know is that he's not here anymore. Zoe and this little one on the way aren't going to meet their crazy uncle Evan - but they will hear stories and they will see pictures. The guys back in their college days: Tossing rose petals after we got married: Evan got into it and I'm pretty sure all those roses I found in my dress that night were from his vigorous throwing: I'm not sure what was happening here, but they were having a good time: I'd tried to set up us all getting together when we were in Texas a few weeks ago. I'd sent out an email to everyone and this was the message I got back from Evan: "YAYYY!! HUZZAHHHH!!! This calls for celebration! haha This is awesome; I know I don't keep in touch with everyone very well (it's kind of a superpower of mine, I think), so I'm just really grateful that YOU keep in touch with ME and tell me these things, because I MISS YOU GUYS! And of course I'm interested to see what kind of Zoe creature you and Daniel have produced. I know Nigel & I will be working during the week, but your trip kind of falls on TWO weekends almost; I'm positive we'd be able to come down Friday & Saturday, at LEAST. Though, I guess I shouldn't speak for Nigel, since I don't know his schedule. We're both in Fort Worth now, so don't go looking for me in Houston! If you found someone who looks like me, take my word, it's a robot. HEY! Keep me posted? Daniel knows I'm not the most schedule/plan/memory-friendly guy, so feel free to send me all the reminders you want!" Right now, more than ever we wished we could have met up with him. Right now, more than ever we wish we were in Texas with our friends. HUZZAHHHH!!!, Evan. We miss you.

We're Back*

I've been tired lately. Really Tired. Cranky. And I'm going to go ahead and say it... bored with blogging. My heart stopped being in it for a while there. I was feeling restless. I was feeling like there was something off with me and I wasn't sure what... so I decided what I really needed was a break from this blogging commitment. It's been kind of hard for me in the last couple weeks to stay away. Last week we got some news that sort of turned my world upside down. And then Zoe came down with Bronchiolitis, which has been really hard. I kept wanting to turn to my blog to share, but I kept away until today. What I did do is write a letter to my darling monkey. I thought I would share that with you now: Written on Thursday, May 1st, 2008 Dearest Zoe, Today is a very important day for our little family: I took a home pregnancy test and found out that you are going to be a big sister. Your Daddy and I are extremely excited for this new adventure and for what this means for you. A small part of me is overwhelmed and shocked that this is coming so soon for us. Your dad and I first started talking about giving you a sibling while I was still pregnant with you. That desire only grew stronger as we brought you home and got to know you. Being a new parent is not easy, but we found ourselves imagining that we could do this and wanting to have a larger family. We’d originally planned on waiting until this August to start trying, but after talking with our nurse practitioner about it we decided to start trying this past February. Given the time it took to make you, we thought there was no sense waiting. We fully expected to give it a few months and then start again on the infertility journey again. Just yesterday I had started that ball rolling and had set up a blood test to check my hormone levels and see what we could do to get me on that road. I haven’t had a cycle since the weekend after you were in the ER, but had taken a couple tests (one in March, one at the beginning of April). I had told the nurse on the phone that I felt like I was still ovulating, but I just didn’t know for sure. I’ve been complaining for the last week or so about my body temperature. In Texas, I was freezing whenever we were in Grammy and Grandpa Ricks house. When we got home, I felt like I was having hot flashes. I told your dad I felt weird, different. And then last night Bailey was especially clingy – keeping her head close to my belly just like she did before we even knew you were growing inside me. Your dad kissed me good morning/goodbye this morning and I asked him to wait just a minute before he left. I got up, went into the bathroom and grabbed the last test I had in our cabinet. I thought to myself that I was wasting a test and that we’d have to buy more when the time came. I was so tired I didn’t even turn the light on in the bathroom, but very quickly I saw a line form. I remember thinking it was strange that it was forming on the wrong side and then I saw the second line and I felt my heart jump in my throat. I swung the door open into your daddy’s and my bedroom and showed him the stick. And then I started laughing, uncontrollable laughs that seemed to burst from me. We were pregnant. Your dad instantly tried to do the math and figure out when your sibling would arrive. He’s saying January, but I’m not so sure. We won’t know for a while how far along I actually am. What we do know is that we love you. You are one of the greatest gifts we’ve ever been given and we worked so hard to get you here with us. You will always be my Zo-Zo Monkey. You will always be my little girl. Life is about to change for us all, but there is always that constant. My life changed the day you were conceived, and I am forever grateful for you coming into our lives. You’re going to be a great big sister! I love you infinitely. * And by "We", I REALLY mean we. There you go, Missy. I told you it wouldn't be much longer! :) And.... Hi Matt! So, yeah... when Daniel and I said maybe a little sooner than a year, we had no idea how right we actually were. We're thrilled.

LAZY

I need more vacation! I need more naps! Ack! I'll return to regular blogging soon, but I'm contemplating a break since I already screwed up on blog 365. Break could last anywhere from a couple days to a few weeks, but I feel it on the horizon. In completely unrelated news: I somehow managed to lose 10 pounds while on vacation and not watching what I ate. I ate Cheeseburgers, Fries, Quesadillas, Nachos. Queso, Guac, Enchiladas, Kings Ranch Chicken Casserole, Pasta, Meatballs, Chips, etc and I still lost weight. I'm shocked and slightly giddy because I had been dreading stepping foot on the scale after the gluttony that was Texas. I think the weight loss can only be attributed to the walking and the extreme humidity. Chances are, I sweated away those pounds. Regardless, I'm owning that little victory and taking this new way of living seriously. First thing this morning I jumped on the exercise bike and did five miles in 15 minutes. I ate well and healthy today and drank tons of water. Tomorrow I'll do it all over again. Hmmm. Maybe not so lazy after all.

Excuses, Excuses

So I missed blogging yesterday. It's the first day I've missed since when? November or something? Blog 365 allows for me to post date and still technically be a Blog 365-er, but I'm just not going to do it. Oh, I'll keep posting every day - but there are times where blogging just is not congruent with every single day. Leaving for the airport at 6am (Texas time) and flying all morning with a tired, cranky (but totally well behaved) 11 month old dis not make me want to write, it made me want to collapse. And then we got to San Diego and it was awfully hot and uncomfortable, but we were starving so we sat at a restaurant near the harbor waiting a freaking long time for our meal. And then we drove to my parents house (40 minutes from airport) to their home without central air which was quite the adjustment considering the house in San Antonio was so cool I slept in long sleeve pajamas and two blankets. And then Daniel and I decided we needed to go escape into a cool movie theater and immerse ourselves in a different world (Forbidden Kingdom - cheesy, but enjoyable especially when with someone who is so appreciative of movies like it.) And then we got back to my parents house and wrangled a tired, hungry baby until we got her to go to bed. I looked at Daniel at about 10pm (which is midnight Texas time!) and said, "I'm done. I'm just not going to blog today and I don't care." It was that kind of day. Not bad, just exhausting. Any words I might have typed probably would not have made sense. Come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure these words make sense!

Torn

Our little family will be saying our "see you laters" to Texas, family, and friends in just under twelve hours. I wish we could bundle up our loved ones and bring them back with us. Heck, I wouldn't turn down the chance to take a longer vacation! But things in California are calling to us: schedules, work, dog children, and friends - especially the two who are in a hospital as I type this waiting for their baby boy to be born. When we planned this trip four months ago I was sure it wouldn't coincide with "Tank's" arrival since he wasn't due til May 27, but our boy had other plans for his parents and his adoring fans. Tank, I can't wait to meet you!

Reason #46* Texas is so great:

From an actual conversation this evening while Daniel was eating venison sausage: Daniel - "You can't get sausage like this in California." His Dad - "Really." Daniel - "They really just have Italian sausage." His Dad - "Huh." Daniel - "And here you can get it anywhere. Gas stations even carry it." Me - "Grreaat." Daniel - "Its true. You can get it anywhere here. Me - "Dentist offices even. Dr. Ross (a close family friend of Daniel's family who I've only seen a handful of times) sells it in his waiting room." Daniel - "Really?" Me - "No! How would I, why would I even know that if that were true?!" I can be so sarcastic. He can be so gullible. We're perfect for each other. In other Texas news: I just don't see what the big deal is about Blue Bell ice cream. Tastes just like every other ice cream to me! Also, if its so darn great, why can't it be purchased elsewhere? Seems like an exaggeration to me. Discuss. * I haven't actually come up with reasons 1-45, but I do sort of love Texas (at least, San Antonio and Austin).

Waving

Waving Originally uploaded by KeelyE Couldn't resist posting this. One of Zoe's new favorite things to do is waving at her fans.

Remember the Alamo

We're back in San Antonio just a few blocks from the Alamo (Daniel's parents live downtown just a few minutes from the historic site, the Alamo Dome and Hemisfair Park). It's been an eventful couple days, but I'm going to save the recap for when I can blog from my laptop versus my iPhone. So far I have tons of photos waiting to be uploaded to flickr, but I need to wait until we get home for access and I need to renew my now expired Pro account.* I'm also going to wait until we get home to write my letter to Zoe. Its hard to believe today is her 11 month birthday. Just one more month and she's a year old! If you could see her you'd be amazed at how much she's grown. She's been quite the social butterfly while on vacation. She truly fits in with the Texans here and she's charming everyone with her generous smiles and laughter. * Friends and Family (my Mom & Dad especially) don't be alarmed at the sudden drop of monkey pics in my photos. They're hidden until I pay the dues, but we will return to your baby sightings soon.

Happy Vacationing Duo

Happy Vacationing Duo Originally uploaded by KeelyE Well, we're a trio now actually. Its hard to believe that five years ago Daniel brought me to San Antonio to meet his parents and his friends. It was my first time in this beautiful city, but I fell in love with it almost as quickly as I did with Daniel. The photo is of us goofing off in the bathroom (we didn't want to wake the baby who we're sharing a room with). We giggled and laughed and practically fell over each other while I tried to snap a pic with the iPhone. I liked that it captures us being comfortable and happy. We're in W. Houston. tonight with family. Tomorrow we'll be in McDade.

We took like, 30 self portraits

We took like, 30 self portraits Originally uploaded by KeelyE and this was the best of them. Today was filled with nap taking, good and healthy food, and leisurely strolls through the King Williams District and along the Riverwalk. We're having a great time. Zoe literally fell asleep with a smile on her face and then giggled in the first few minutes of slumber. She's sort of being showered with attention, as you can imagine.

The Quarry

The Quarry Originally uploaded by KeelyE Slept in. - Walked thru Hemisfair Park with Zoe, Daniel & his parents. - Took lots of pics (that I can't upload without Internet. - Went to Craft Fair with Daniel while his parents watched baby. - Had lunch with Daniel at the Quarry, then browsed the stores (while his parents watched the baby). - Ate a delicious meal that his parents made. - Exhausted. - Generally feeling like I had no responsibility today which is kind of awkward since I'm usually so absorbed with my daughter. - Feeling especially blessed that we get to have and enjoy a vacation with Zoe. San Antonio is even more lovely when I get to revisit it with her.

Gone To Texas

First Airplane Trip Originally uploaded by KeelyE Well, we're here! I'm happy to report there was no stress to speak of! We're all excited to be in Texas. I've missed this place and look forward to showing Zoe off (and around).

Overheard

As Daniel, Zoe and I were walking thru the children's section at Borders (browsing for last minute items to occupy the kiddo on the airplane tomorrow) we overheard this exchange between a lady and a sales person: "Do you have blah blah(I didn't actually hear what she wanted)?" "No, sorry. We can order it for you." "Well her birthday is today, I need it now!" And the lady rushed off in a huff no doubt feeling put out and bothered by the whole situation. The sales person mumbled just before we walked by her: "Well maybe you should have not waited until their birthday to buy the gift." As I was walking away I heard another sales person say, "Maybe she should try shopping on any of the other 364 days for her child's birthday present. It's not like the day is a surprise." I couldn't help myself from smirking and giving them the thumbs up. Customers can be so righteous even when they're at fault. I can't begin to tell you how many husbands came looking for the jewelry wardrobe on Christmas Eve and then acted like I was a moron for not having it on one of the busiest shopping days of the year. Yeah. Maybe they should have not shopped last minute. Meh. It would be like me complaining that our airline tomorrow doesn't have baby food for MY kid if I didn't pack some for in flight. Come on! I wish people would step up and take responsibility for their mistakes instead of trying to place blame elsewhere just to make themselves feel better. And on that note, I need a vacation! We leave my parents house tomorrow for San Antonio. I'm thrilled. I may or may not keep up with this whole blogging every single day. We'll see. Maybe I'll post a iPhone pic every day of the trip with no explanation at all. Hmmm. That could be easy enough.

Obsessive

Well, we're in San Diego! We had a good drive with Zoe and the dog kids. I've packed and repacked our bags for San Antonio. I've narrowed down Zoe's and my vacation wardrobe. We're ready. But I still might try consolidating the two bags into one. Tomorrow. Now I sleep. But on the couch because my back can't handle the guest room bed. I hate not sharing a bed with Daniel but it's important I'm able to walk upright without assistance. I'm not even kidding.