This weekend, I've opened up my blog for an anonymous posting as part of HBM's Bitchin Bitchfest. I was drawn to this event because every once in a while we just need to rant/vent, but our own blogs aren't always a good place for it if we want to avoid upsetting family members and friends. I hope that the blogger I'm hosting feels better after writing this and that things work out for her and her daughter.
Mothers, Love Your Daughters
She was always the most responsible kid in the group. Trusted to be the “team babysitter” for the little brothers and sisters of her brothers baseball team mates. Always teachers pet, getting honor roll and straight A's. Until she turned 14. At 14 my little girl went into her room one night, and I have never seen her again.
I was a statistic of the 80's, I found out I was pregnant the day before my 18th birthday and told all my friends and family at my party at Chuck E Cheese, the year was 1986. I was young and stupid and lost custody of my daughter to my mother for almost 2 years. Thank God for family. When I got her back I was pregnant with her brother, so I understand that she never had my “attention”. Her father has never been active in her live, spending all of her life in and out of prison in another state. She has kept in touch with his side of the family but we'll touch on that more later.
After 14 the hatred and loathing and attitudes were in abundance on both of our parts. She hated me because I was her mother and I hated the person she had become. For her 16th birthday she wanted to get pregnant. WHAM! This was a smack up side my head and I literally dragged her into my room and made her sit and listen to me. I knew why she wanted a baby, I had been there myself. But she didn't want to hear it from me. “Let me make my own mistakes and learn form them!” “Why make the same mistakes I already made? At least make new ones!” Obviously us yelling at each other wasn't going to work. When I calmed down I looked her in the eyes and said “You want someone who will Love you, someone that will be yours, someone that you can be in charge of and responsible for and someone who will be there for you like I haven't no matter what and will always be a part of you?” “yes” she said in the smallest voice, I finally got to her. Still looking in her eyes “That was why I got pregnant with you, how's that working out for us?” I wish I could say we had a fabulous mother daughter moment and we hugged and have been bestest friends ever since. Yeah right. I can count on one hand the number of times my daughter has let me hug her in the last 10 years. But she did get the point I was trying to make.
Fast forward a couple of years. I find the phone number to W.I.C. On the desk and call her to see if there is something she wants to tell me. DUH! So now she is 18 and pregnant. During her pregnancy she breaks up with the father (thank God because he is an idiot, but that is another rant). The night before her baby shower he comes to my house when he knows she isn't home. He informs me that almost a year before, the two of them got married! They both lived in their respective homes and never told anyone. HOLY SHIT! Funnily enough I didn't freak out, I was more mad at him for telling me the night before the shower when I had so much to do, then with her for actually pulling this stupid stunt in the first place. Maybe I was just exasperated and figured that at least she wasn't doing drugs or drinking or hell I don't know what I was thinking.
Fast forward to last year. My adorable grand daughter is 2 and my daughter has been “steady” with a guy that I like for over a year. She is adamant about getting married and getting pregnant. He is like, we have a good thing why mess with it? Little do I know but she has been “conversing” with a cousin from her dad's side of the family and (are you sitting down?) “fallen in love with him”! Yes, you heard me correctly, she has fallen in love with her COUSIN!
In May of this year, while I was out of the country she married that cousin. Again without telling any family members and announcing it here on her website to the world. This is how I found out. Lovely! Shortly after this “wedding” a new post is put up on her blog, yep, this is how I found out she was pregnant! And the kicker? I get a text message a couple weeks later to say she is having TWINS! All of this happens just as I was leaving to go to BlogHer and by the time I got back, she had left the “husband” and was back with the other boyfriend from before. And oh yeah, moved back in to my house.
So just to recap, my daughter is going to be 22 in October, by that time she will have been married and divorced twice, have a 3 year old daughter and be 6 months pregnant with twins. Twins that were conceived with her first cousin.
Maybe this isn't a rant as much as my telling something that I have been afraid to tell. Is it wrong for me to be embarrassed by my own daughter? Is it wrong that I still secretly hope she will not carry these babies to term? I know it is, but I can't help but hope for that. I can't bring myself to be excited that I have two more grand children coming. I love my grand daughter beyond measure and pray that I can do the same for those to come.
My mother always told me that God doesn't give you more than He thinks you can handle. Well dammit, I wish He didn't think I was so frikkin strong all the time!