Inevitably Keely

Sometimes, we forget that Zoe isn't actually a teenager what with her vocabulary, sense of humor and intelligence. She watches us and the world around her so carefully and she really does take it all in. My little girl has an old soul. I remember thinking it as I watched her sleep as a newborn. I remember telling her not to grow up too fast when she slammed her door on me and quickly turned on her radio and cranked it loud; she was, after all - barely one year old. I worry sometimes, (like I'm sure all parents do) about how much she is like me. I witness her sensitivity on a daily basis. I see her eyes well up quickly if she accidentally makes a mess or if her little brother picks on her. I worry that I've let her see me cry too many times and that I've made her feel less than safe. Our accident of course comes to mind here. I can still hear myself screaming and crying as that truck hit us. I wonder if she remembers? I wonder if she feels the same fear I do that it will...

I should start off by saying that I think the whole idea that because Finn is a boy we are destined to lots of accidents, stitches, broken limbs, etc is totally not cool. Not cool, but (let's face it) still very true. Just about anyone who has ever met my son knows he's... um, active. He lives to climb trees, walls, bookcases, dressers, dollhouses, etc. My son looks at everything in terms of "Can I scale it?" or "Can I demolish it?" or "Can I build something, scale it and then demolish it?" Just this past Monday I was telling friends that I'm of the mind that he needs to fall a few times and learn that he's not invincible, and that maybe then he'd quit climbing. Other people watch him do what he loves best and I can see them having internal freak outs. Daniel and I, on the other hand just shake our heads and let him have at it. It's not that we want him to get hurt, we were just kind of indifferent to it. We were waiting for the in...

* - This post is about bodily functions and potty training. If you are going to be grossed out by this (maybe you should read "Everyone Poops") you should probably just click out of this and go do something else. If you're not afraid (or you are an experienced potty trainer and/or parent/parent-to-be) go ahead and read this. Just don't say I didn't warn you. ;) About an hour ago I was sitting at my computer working on trying to write (which hasn’t come easily at all for a long time now) when all of a sudden I felt something warm on my foot. Like, shock to the system warm that immediately made my brain think I was bleeding, except there was no pain. I looked down at my foot and then up at my son who was completely naked. He had just peed on me. Inside, I screamed (because EW! he just peed ON MY FOOT!) but on the outside, I was calm. Well, fairly calm. “Finnegan Emery. We’re not supposed to pee on people!” He looked at me with that lower lip sticking far out (he’s ...

Instead of reading a bedtime story last night with Zoe, I sat with her in her bed with a pen and notebook and asked her what she was thankful for. * Note: Everyone in Zoe's life is very special, but I think it really says something if you were listed individually because it's really hard for a three year old to not want to list every single toy instead of actual people. I know... because I had to suggest after baby dolls that maybe we think of some other things. The following is the list (with some extra commentary) as she told me: "I'm thankful for.... Mommy. Snow White. Daddy. Kitty cats. Cameras. My baby dolls. And I'm thankful for my panda., and... "Let's not just list toys, OK?" Alright. I'm thankful for water. And Max and Bailey Butterflies. And Grammy. Aunt Sadie. My Grandpa. Nana & Baba. Daddy's friend, Sam... he's nice. (She just met him yesterday) Cheryl and Chuck-Chuck. Ellie. Eleanor. MaryEllen. Chelsea. NIki. Noe...write ...

It's a little bit surreal taking your first born to her first day of preschool. Where she will be away for six hours, learning and growing with people and children who are (not yet, at least) friends or family. Watching her walk to her classroom and then through the gate and then the door, it was like I was literally watching her grow up before my eyes. For an instant, I flashed forward to the first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, college graduation, wedding day, the day she tells me I'll be a grandmother (EEK!). And the next thing I knew, she was telling me she'd see me later and that she loved me. "Bye bye, Mommy." When we walked into the preschool director's office, my eyes welled up. Zoe is not a baby anymore! She's not even a toddler. How did that happen so fast? We've been promising Zoe preschool since we started potty training her. She's never been intimidated by the idea of leaving us and going to school. She was so determined,...

This morning (once I realized Zoe was being more quiet than usual) I found my daughter in my bathroom. One of my lipsticks was in her left hand, fully extended and ready to apply all over her face, no doubt. The rest of my makeup lay scattered on the floor haphazardly. Pieces of my jewelry were strewn about her person: bracelets on her arms, multiple necklaces draped over her neck and a few over her princess crown and kitty ears that she’d decided on wearing earlier. In her right hand was a large clump of more jewelry... I’m not sure exactly what she had planned for it. She looked like she was either a pirate, a burglar, or perhaps an over accessorized beauty queen. When our eyes met, there was a moment of hesitation before we acted. I simultaneously wanted to grab my camera and scold her for the mess. She wanted to run with her loot while explaining why she had to have all this stuff. Zoe was faster than me. As she raced passed me and through the door into my bedroom, she yelled out ...

Thursday afternoon I told my mom we wouldn't be coming for the visit I had just suggested a couple days prior. It was the killer cramps I'd been having, plus the run down feeling and Daniel having been gone on a work trip for 24 hours and counting. Or maybe it was my recent decision to eat better paired with this overwhelming desire to just relax and focus on me for a bit. Regardless, the idea of sitting in a car for an extended period of time and then trying to make health food choices while traveling no longer appealed to my mind or body. I was tired. I needed to relax. I wanted to enjoy our house, just the 6 of us (I'm including the dog children) for a few precious days after having house guests for the last two weeks. And then Saturday around noon, my two kids jumped on my bed for ten minutes straight, screaming at the top of their well developed and OMG! healthy lungs, with no abandon. When they saw my face contorting with frustration and ugh, pain - they giggled. ...

So, last night after I'd finished reading some bedtime stories to Zoe and while I was singing her some of her favorite "nigh-nigh" songs, we heard Finn crying. The crying a mama hears and knows that her baby is hurt*... but I didn't rush in because I knew he was with his Daddy and was being taken care of. Zoe had been nearly asleep. She was at that stage where she was petting my hand as I sang and sort of fighting the inevitable like she's done since she was an infant. She would open her eyes and stare at me when I'd stop singing and then when I'd start again, her eyes would sort of move side to side like a Cylon and then roll back a bit before they closed. Yes. THAT tired. No, it's not creepy, it's endearing. Anyway. Finn's tears startled us both a bit, but I had her needs to think about too so I tried to soothe her. Zoe wasn't having it though. She sat up straight and looked at me: "Finnegan's crying, Mommy!" "I know. B...

you're a theatre person and/or a mom to a toddler when you find yourself making up songs* about the asshats you share the road** with. P-R-I,C,K I,C,K I,C,K P-R-I-C-K You are a Prick! ck,ck,ck Further proof: *** Last night I sung an impromptu duet with my daughter about bedtime. Impromptu because my portion of the song is verses I made up a while ago about it being time for bed and how little girls... and now, little boys - need their sleep. Zoe's portion is new, as far as I know and it's about how it is not time for bed but in fact, time to "PLAY THE DRUM!" and "DANCE!" She harmonized perfectly with me and managed to overlap with my portion of the song in such a way that it sounded like we'd been singing this song exactly this way for AGES. I've said it before, but 1. We have a lot of fun in this house. 2. Zoe seems to be musically inclined and a GENIUS. * - Zoe was not in the car with me and Finn was asleep. ** - I'm driving again. V...

For the last couple months I've been trying to make taking Zoe to story time a part of our "Girl's Day" ritual. It gives Zoe an opportunity to interact with kids her age: sing, dance, play, and listen to a story. I like to make it a big event for her: I get her up, put her in a cute dress, attempt to do her hair and then we go to Starbucks for a special treat before we head to the "main event". Last week, we had Finnegan with us since their 3rd grandma (a very special lady who has become our kid's surrogate grandma since we have no family here in Bakersfield) was taking a much deserved week off. I was a little worried how it would all go since Zoe is used to it being "our thing" and well, I wasn't sure how Finn would be with the large crowd. First stop: Starbucks. We forgo the drive-thru and always go inside on our "Girl's" mornings. It gives Zoe a chance to be more independent. She's very friendly with all the customers a...

"Hey, Mama!" Hi, Finnegan! "Look at me lifting my head like a big boy!" I know! You are such a big, strong boy! "Pretty darn impressive, no?" VERY! You impressive me every DARN day, Finnegan! "I can haz milk now?" Sure. Let me just get a couple more so I can show you off to Nana, Grammy, Baba, Grandpa Rick, and your MANY other adoring fans. "Do you know how long I've been waiting?" Not long at all, actually. Finn, you are a very well fed boy. Have you SEEN your cheeks?! "Feed me now, woman!" Now, now, son. There's no need to get cranky. You just ate an hour ago! "The service here sucks." Well, the patron sucks too! Badumbum! "Seriously, this is the last one. Rrrright?" Yes. For now. I love you, baby.

Last Tuesday was Finnegan's first full day away from the house and me. Daniel and I carefully got him ready and loaded him up in his car seat. I loaded a bag with 20 diapers, 4 burp cloths, 3 changes of clothes and five bottles of my milk for his nine hour stay at Cheryl's*. And as we were securing him in his seat, I might have cried... just a little bit. And then I went back to sleep for a while because Zoe is still my little sleepyhead who will sleep til 10am if I let her. I took a shower and got ready - meaning, I actually put some lipstick on. I got her up at nine. We had breakfast together and watched some PBS Kids. And then we got ready for the park because we were lucky enough to have a lovely, sunny day instead of this grey weather we've had since yesterday. Zoe squealed with delight when I pulled into the parking lot of the park. The park is only two blocks from our house and I feel a little guilty for not just pushing her stroller, but I had big plans for our girl...

Performance Artist So, I decided to get the crayons out for Zoe again since she grabbed a pen and paper off the table and obviously wanted to draw. When I asked her if she wanted crayons, she quickly responded "Please!" instead of doing her usual when she's got something she shouldn't: Running like a bat out of hell. Up she went in the highchair. I took a sharpie and wrote her name in block letters. I drew a cartoon of a cat, flowers, numbers. Basically it was my quick answer to a page from a coloring book. She went with it. She carefully chose her colors. Red. Blue. Purple. Green. She was partial to the blue. I left her alone for a second. OK. Maybe 30 seconds. She ate 1/2 of the blue crayon. Well, maybe just a 1/4 of it because a good amount came spilling out of her blue stained mouth when I exclaimed, "Oh, NOOOOOO! What did you doooooo?!" (In slow motion, of course.) And she laughed and said "Blue!" Great. At least I'm teaching her colors. A...

When I signed up for GIST , I thought it would be the perfect thing for me. I thought it would keep me grounded, positive and appreciative for all the amazing things going on in my life and I looked forward to reading everyone else’s lists. But somewhere between giving birth to my son on December 31st of 2008 and now, I lost my zest for blogging. Slowly, I’m trying to get back into it because I’ve been missing the release that writing gives me, and the connections with other bloggers. Also, I’ve been seriously lax in my letters to Zoe. So, I haven’t quite figured out what my participation level in GIST will be, but I thought I’d start by jotting down some things I am grateful for as they relate to having a newborn AND a toddler. Here Goes: 1. Halo Sleep sacks with swaddler… a swaddled baby is a sleeping baby. Yay! 2. Soothies. Sometimes a breastfeeding mama needs a break. 3. Easy latching. It wasn’t easy the first time, at all. 4. Finn is a great eater. My boy likes his food and is ...

On the mornings that I wake up Zoe and get her ready for the day, we have a little ritual. I give her a hug, she says hello to Bailey and Max (and is more interested in them, by the way). Then I go to her closet and pull out a couple clothing options for her consideration. I sing, "What are we going to wear today?"* which is received with big smiles and this twisty, kicking, dance move she does when she's happy (she does a variation of this dance while in her high chair eating something she thinks is particularly yummy). And then she points to one of the outfits. It's our thing. Zoe is a Grabby McGrabbersons. Like most kids at this age if she sees something within her reach (or even not quite in her reach) she wants to grab it. She wants to touch it. She wants to inspect it and see how it works (I think she might get this from her father). But when we take her to a store with clothing (like, Target) this behavior changes a bit. She's more careful with what she cho...

So, the other night we're wrapping up dinner and getting ready to get Zoe out of her highchair. Daniel is clearing up her "dessert" and getting ready to put the remains of it back in the refrigerator for another day. General freak out/fussy/woe is me/how dare you try to end a meal! noises come from Zoe. If she had it her way, certain meals would go on and on and on. Daniel pauses and looks at me as I look back and forth between him and our daughter. I'm exhausted, lounging on our couch and completely letting him run the show, but I offer this: Me: She wants more, honey. Him: Should I give her more? Me: Well it is apples, not.... CRACK!* (I had paused as I tried hard to think of something we shouldn't give her too much of. Didn't want to say something boring like cookies or ice cream.) Him: You need to blog this. So - she got more apples and she was thrilled - like we'd given her the best thing in all the world. What can I say, sometimes she's easy to...

Zoe has this face she makes when she's trying to show she's not happy with something. She puckers up her lips in a sort of kiss/Elvis snarl, squints her eyes so that the blue is almost invisible and wrinkles up her nose - all while sticking out her chin in complete defiance. It's not the look I looked forward to seeing after carrying her for nine months. It's not really a look I think that insights others to run out and conceive a sweet bundle of joy of their own. It's a face that only her parents can love, I think. But we've come to realize that this face is the lesser of the evils she is capable of unleashing - and I say that with a mother's love and understanding. I understand how hard it must be to be fifteen months old. I understand that she wants to touch anything and experience everything. I know how frustrating it must be to know exactly what you want with all your heart, but not be able to express yourself with the words that you hear daily. I under...

I think one of the most common things Daniel and I hear when people - mostly strangers - find out that we have another child on the way is "Wow! You're going to be busy!" This response usually makes us laugh and sometimes has us being kind of snarky talking about it after the fact. It's not that we blame people for saying it, but it's kind of up there on the annoying scale with "Wow! You sure are in for a lot of changes now that you're pregnant/having a baby!" Really? We sort of thought the hardest part was just getting pregnant and that having kids would be like a life long vacation that is without any obstacles and actually makes us money. Yawn. We know people mean well when they laugh at how we will never sleep again and how we'll be changing two kids diapers indefinitely. We know it's hard to resist pointing out that it was practically yesterday when I was pregnant with Zoe. Ahem. The thing is, and you're going to be shocked by our a...

Zoe is teething right now. Like, really teething. For a little while she's been sporting the beginnings of her left and right incisors and her bottom two middle teeth, but now the top two middle teeth are coming in. She wants to gnaw on anything she can: toys, her fingers, teething rings, my hands, our ottoman, our couch (no joke), anything to relieve the pain. Even with all this teething, she's been a sport with only intermittent spurts of crankiness amongst full hearted belly laughs, silly grins and giggles. She's the dream baby. Well, she's the baby I always dreamed of having. Today was a little bit tougher for her. The teething has increased her drool factor again and she has a tiny fever blister in the corner of her mouth. For most of today she's had a fever and wanted to just be in my arms, cuddling and being comforted. Looking at her on one of her "off days" I couldn't help but think how much I adore her and wish I could make things like this ea...

Sometimes I wonder if Zoe is getting the short end of the stick. What I mean is, I do not know what I am doing most of the time. I know that breast feeding was good for her, but I beat myself up repeatedly for having to switch to formula because she wasn't gaining any weight after three months. I felt better when I decided to breast feed her when she woke up in the morning, when she started rooting and wanted me to (which wasn't frequently except when she was sick) and then just before she went to bed at night. I was proud that I was able to do this still. And then we stopped doing the morning feedings because it was just quicker and I was worried about my supply. And then slowly, the night time feedings were getting shorter and less frequent. Last night I told Daniel I thought I was done because I thought my supply was gone, but then just before bed I started leaking so now I don't know what the hell I'll do. And then there is making Zoe's food. I got off to a late...