Monday, January 07, 2008

Freak out!

Sometimes I wonder if Zoe is getting the short end of the stick. What I mean is, I do not know what I am doing most of the time. I know that breast feeding was good for her, but I beat myself up repeatedly for having to switch to formula because she wasn't gaining any weight after three months. I felt better when I decided to breast feed her when she woke up in the morning, when she started rooting and wanted me to (which wasn't frequently except when she was sick) and then just before she went to bed at night. I was proud that I was able to do this still. And then we stopped doing the morning feedings because it was just quicker and I was worried about my supply. And then slowly, the night time feedings were getting shorter and less frequent. Last night I told Daniel I thought I was done because I thought my supply was gone, but then just before bed I started leaking so now I don't know what the hell I'll do.

And then there is making Zoe's food. I got off to a late start with this. When it was time for solids we went with Earth's Best because of it being organic and what I'd read about it. Truth be told, I liked the name and their website and that it was sold at Whole Foods and places I trusted. At first Zoe gobbled it all up. She was enamoured with all of it! She was happy so we were happy and I was sort of relieved because I'd been so sick I hadn't made her any food yet. And then on her 7 month birthday she decided she didn't like her jarred food anymore. She literally spit out every single bite in protest and inside I was freaking out that my baby hated food and was going to refuse to eat and would never gain weight again. Irrational, yes... totally. So the next day I went and bought sweet potatoes and steamed them and pureed them and she LOVED them. So we made carrots and did the same thing and she loved them even more. Yay!

Last night I attempted to make more sweet potatoes, but I screwed them up and left the water on too long. I burned the boiling water away to nothing and the sweet potatoes smelled smoked. I attempted to puree them anyway to see what would happen, but my food processor is on the fritz and made horrible noises that woke Zoe from her nap and made her cry. This was a huge failure in my eyes. I felt like a horrible mother. How does one screw up steaming vegetables? What was I going to do? It was the end of the world (hello, hormones!). So we went and got a new food processor and then I made some carrots. Deep sigh of relief that my baby was going to be fed and happy and I'm not such a failure after all. Yay!

And then I found out carrots might not be so good for a baby. So I freaked, and did research, and called our pediatrician, and made an internal vow to possibly never give Zoe carrots again. Ever. Because I am a drama queen and so afraid I'm screwing up. But you know what? I'm not. I know this. And I know now that carrots are OK after 6 months and Zoe is not going to have to give them up unless she wants to.

But me? I'm still feeling unsure. I worry about why she isn't crawling yet when other baby's her age are. I know every baby is different and it's not fair to compare, but I feel myself doing it anyway. It's not because I think there is something wrong with her, I worry there is something wrong with what I am doing with her. Not enough tummy time, maybe? Too much time in the Jumperoo? Zoe seems to want to skip crawling and go straight to standing and walking. That's not good, right?

Being a mom is an adventure. I laugh at the people who say it seems boring and how can SAHM's just sit around all day doing nothing and have no drive. My drive is having a safe, happy home for Zoe. I am constantly thinking about what I can do with her to help her growth and development. I work 24 hours a day. I get daily reviews from the monkey. I do not get a raise - ever and sometimes I have a hard time even getting a bathroom break in. It's hard work and the baby care basics classes don't seem like enough sometimes. Sometimes I wish there were a "Mama Hot line" that I could call and talk to other mom's going through some of the same things at the same time as us. Sometimes, I wish Zoe had come out holding on to a "Zoe manual" that would explain everything and tell me exactly what to do to keep her happy and healthy for the next twenty years. But there is no manual or hot line- it's all just getting to know my little girl and realizing that I will make some mistakes along the way. And that is OK. I have to keep reminding myself that Zoe is happy and loves me and that I have an amazing partner to help me raise her.

Deep breath!

OK. For now, I'm putting off my x365. I may post it later tonight, we'll see.

No comments: