Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Choices

My husband is the "cool parent". Everyone is excited for Daddy to get home. Everyone looks forward to Daddy's days off and vacation. Daddy watches cartoons and lets them climb him like a jungle gym. Daddy takes them to the park and bike riding. Daddy is the fun one. When we're about to cross the street, I ask the kids to take a parents hand and they both scramble for Daniel and I'm left walking empty handed.

It's alright though.

They see me all day, every day. More often than not, I'm the disciplinarian. I'm usually the one who corrects bad manners and demands nap time, bath time, bed time. When they're watching cartoons or doing something else fun, I'm (sometimes) enjoying silence in another room... maybe even using the restroom behind a closed door, without them yelling at me or sticking their toes under the door to wiggle at me. I get to cross the street without struggling to keep my purse (or my shirt) on my shoulder as they pull and tug and skip and jump.

I get why they choose their Daddy, because I choose him. I can't wait for him to come home, give me hugs and kisses, talk to me, take me out, and hold my hand. I chose him and he chose me and we got to get married because no one told us we couldn't.

So this morning, when my four year old responded to Zoe's usual "I want to marry Daddy." with "I want to marry Daddy!" I didn't flinch (well, until Zoe screamed "NO!"). I was not phased. They don't get the concept of married yet and they're always choosing Daddy. I love that we all love him so much.

My favorite thing this morning though, was Zoe's response: "You can't marry Daddy because he's already your family, right, Mom?" She didn't site gender as her reason, it was redundancy. "He's already your Daddy and you get to hang out with him without being married." Plus, "Marrying family is against the law."

"Yes. And also, he's already married to me. When the time comes, you will find your own person to marry. Daddy is mine."

"I don't know who to choose!"

"That's OK, baby. You have lots of time before this will come up. Like, 30 years."

When the time comes, I hope they chose wisely and with their hearts. I hope they're as happy with their choices as I am with mine. I hope they won't have to fight for their rights to marry who they love.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

New Year

First off: Hello, 2013! I'm not really sure what I expect of you yet. We'll talk more about that later, I suppose.

2012 was an interesting year filled with anxiety about when we might move, finding out for sure we were moving, accepting that big change and running with everything that we needed to do to prepare. We sold a house and bought a house within a month. We said goodbye to the city Daniel and I met in - where we were newlyweds, new parents, part of a theatre community and later, part of an awesome place that allowed us to be a part of "Setting Theatre Free".  We drove with our two kids and two dogs from California to Texas, all the while simultaneously nervous and excited for our new location and the new experiences we would have.

Honestly, I had a really hard time with all of it. It's funny because there were times when I wanted so badly to run far away from Bakersfield and our life there, and then when it started to be close to being a reality, I freaked out. Friends could not mention us leaving, talk about the future in Bakersfield, discuss Houston, or (sometimes) look at me without me bursting into tears. It was... emotional.

When we got here in August, I was overwhelmed with our new town, with Houston, with the roads, with the people, with the size of the home we'd chosen. Then the kids went to school full time and Daniel had a 45 minute commute to and from work and I suddenly felt very, very alone. I looked forward to every weekend, but my weekdays were very solitary and I struggled to want to do more than take the kids to school and pick them up. I hated my alone time because it reminded me how much I missed certain aspects of Bakersfield (friends, theatre).

As the holiday season unfolded, it became more clear that we had moved to a wonderful neighborhood.  A new friend described it as "Pleasantville" and that seems pretty accurate, although sometimes it feels like Mayberry or Bedford Falls. Something about the cooler weather and the lights and the holiday spirit has me feeling more optimistic and grateful for this change. I'm adapting and I feel ready to truly enjoy Houston.

I'm not sure exactly what that means. I'm tossing some ideas around in my head and setting some goals.  I want to become a better version of me.  I want to focus on my personal development. I want to feel healthier physically (which I already am - no sickness during the holidays!) and emotionally. I want to make it a point to venture out of this house and explore more. I want to feel more interesting.

I feel like I've "mourned" leaving California for long enough. It's time to celebrate this new chapter and make it memorable.

Happy New Year. 2013, I'm ready for you.