Showing posts from 2009

You Know....

you're a theatre person and/or a mom to a toddler when you find yourself making up songs* about the asshats you share the road** with.


You are a


Further proof:

Last night I sung an impromptu duet with my daughter about bedtime. Impromptu because my portion of the song is verses I made up a while ago about it being time for bed and how little girls... and now, little boys - need their sleep. Zoe's portion is new, as far as I know and it's about how it is not time for bed but in fact, time to "PLAY THE DRUM!" and "DANCE!" She harmonized perfectly with me and managed to overlap with my portion of the song in such a way that it sounded like we'd been singing this song exactly this way for AGES.

I've said it before, but
1. We have a lot of fun in this house.
2. Zoe seems to be musically inclined and a GENIUS.

* - Zoe was not in the car with me and Finn was asleep.
** - I'm driving again. VERY cautious…


When Daniel and I fell in love, I felt what it was like to have complete happiness and know that I had a partner whom I could depend on. After years in a horrible relationship, I discovered what it meant to love someone so completely, selflessly and honestly. We faced health obstacles, but we persevered through our sense of humor and knowledge that we would always be there for each other. Marrying him cemented that for me and while on one hand I felt like we were unstoppable, I also was keenly aware that I never wanted to lose him.

Shortly after our one year wedding anniversary, we found out that we were expecting our first child, Zoe. In those nine months of carrying her, I worried for her well being every single day. And then I met her. I held her in my arms and looked in her eyes and I felt this over powering love for this little being I'd helped create. It was love at first sight, I was meant to be HER mom.

There is no way I can compare the love I feel for Daniel and Zoe. What …

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since our accident. Twelve days since we were hit as we were making a left turn, by someone running a red light. Ten days since I sat down and wrote about the accident and what I was feeling.

At first, it was for selfish reasons. I have always turned to my writing as a way to purge and cope, so when I was feeling overwhelmed with the sensory flashbacks of the accident, I decided to write about it. I thought it would help me let it go.

When I’d finished, I decided I wanted to share what I was going through – first with my friends and family through my Facebook. The responses I got were so powerful; I decided to post it on my blog.

I never expected to be contacted by the local newspaper. When I got the email requesting to publish what I’d written, I seriously considered declining. It was one thing to share with a few hundred of my closest friends and my small following of blog readers, but this felt so exposing. I wanted to walk away from these bad feelings a…


If I'm not making the conscious effort not to think about Sunday, the memories rush at me vividly. I see the truck zooming towards us. I feel the breath taken away from me as I think we're going to be able to get out of his way and then the realization that we can't. I see his truck hit us as I'm twisting in my seat to grab for my children. I see Zoe's face. I see the truck. I feel the impact. I hear Finnegan screaming. I see Zoe's face. I hear the impact. And he hits us. It feels like he hits us again, and again, and again. I don't understand what is happening. Why is he hitting us over and over again?! I feel the hoarseness in my throat as I scream. I'm screaming over and over again. I'm yelling for God. I'm yelling for my little girl. I'm cursing the other driver. Why is he doing this to us?! I'm seeing Zoe's little face, it is contorted, sobbing, screaming. I'm hearing my children screaming and crying with me. I can't hea…

oh, hello!

Hello, blog! How are you? It has been so very long since I've looked at you or written words to be posted on you. Remember when I said I would write more often? I was serious. Seriously. But then I got wrapped up in all this being a mom stuff and I literally felt like there was barely time to breathe let alone try to pick up my camera or type a post. And then I got sick... and Zoe got sick and then Finn got sick like, 6 hours later and then oh my goodness! Daniel got sick. So my entire family was on antibiotics and we were all miserable and cranky. And then I turned 33, but I felt horrible and so did the kids so we just stayed home and were miserable together - but eating cake! - instead of partying like rock stars and drinking adult beverages while the kids hung out with their Cheryl and Chuck-Chuck like we'd planned. And then on the very last day of taking her antibiotics, Zoe broke out in a rash. It was a crazy rash that started on her neck one afternoon, spread to her back…

Adventures in Story-Time

For the last couple months I've been trying to make taking Zoe to story time a part of our "Girl's Day" ritual. It gives Zoe an opportunity to interact with kids her age: sing, dance, play, and listen to a story. I like to make it a big event for her: I get her up, put her in a cute dress, attempt to do her hair and then we go to Starbucks for a special treat before we head to the "main event". Last week, we had Finnegan with us since their 3rd grandma (a very special lady who has become our kid's surrogate grandma since we have no family here in Bakersfield) was taking a much deserved week off. I was a little worried how it would all go since Zoe is used to it being "our thing" and well, I wasn't sure how Finn would be with the large crowd.

First stop: Starbucks. We forgo the drive-thru and always go inside on our "Girl's" mornings. It gives Zoe a chance to be more independent. She's very friendly with all the customers a…


My son is sitting on the floor in front of me as I type. And that seems like such a monumental thing, because days ago I was asking my mama friends on facebook for advice on what to do with this son of mine who refuses to be happy unless he is in my arms. I wasn't used to this type of baby as Zoe was independent and happy almost all the time. Friends said things would change once he was sitting up on his own and while I was grateful for a light at the end of the tunnel, I didn't believe them. Not really. I was convinced I was doing something wrong even if I knew that was ridiculous.

Finnegan has been sitting up on his own for a week now and he thinks he is the coolest baby ever, you can tell by that arched eyebrow and the huge grin. He's not like other babies I've seen, who slouch and struggle to hold their heads up. Nope. He sits up straight as an arrow and waves his arms around, yelling and laughing. Last week at Zoe's dance class I sat him in front of a little bo…

Hello Again

I think - aside from the worry you feel when your child is sick - right now the hardest thing for me about being a mother is remembering that I am more than Zoe and Finnegan's mother. Does that make sense?

What I mean is, sometimes, I feel myself getting so wrapped up in the children and the act of mothering them, I forget that I am more than that. I forget to nurture the other facets of my life. I forget that I am also a wife, a friend, a daughter, a creative. I forget to take the time to take care of the things that make me who I am. I forget that I am the sum of ALL my parts and that ignoring any part for too long makes me antsy, frustrated, and less proud of who I am.
Now, clearly... having two children ages 2 and almost 7 months means you have less time for other stuff. It means that these two little beings depend on you for everything and that other things take the backseat. I understand that. I embrace that. I am so happy that I get to stay home with these kids. When the choi…

Summer Days

Just after Zoe’s 2nd birthday, Daniel and I finally bit the bullet and had a fence installed around the pool in our backyard. After nearly nineteen months in this house we decided it was time. Zoe is one active little girl and we weren’t able to take full advantage of having such a lovely and large yard because we were constantly in fear of her running or falling straight into the pool. Zoe had grown tall enough to reach the doorknob and the thought of our daughter being in danger when there was something we could do about it was almost too much to bear for any longer than we already had. So we said goodbye to $2200 and have not regretted it once.In the last month we enjoyed many evenings as a family. Nothing wears out a toddler better than running around like a wild child, playing with her dogs and breathing in some fresh air. Ahem. Well, two out of three isn’t bad…We had some uncharacteristically lovely weather in the last month: moderate temperatures, slight breezes. Each night aft…

Dance in her heart

A couple months ago, Daniel and I signed Zoe up for her first dance class. We thought it would be good for her to have a fun activity for the summer that would allow her to make new friends and take advantage of her love of performing. We were also hoping that a dance class might teach her to follow directions a little bit better and instill as much discipline and focus as possible for a 2 year old. We didn't have huge expectations - humble ones, actually. I figured at worst, there's nothing cuter than a kid in a tutu, prancing around to music... and multiply that by infinity when it's your kid.
So we prepared her. We talked about how she was going to get to take a dance class. We read her a book about ballerinas. We got her a couple leotards with tutu's, tap shoes, ballet shoes, and a special "monkey ballerina" dance bag. She was excited. We were excited.
After weeks of hyping up the dance class, I got butterflies this morning as we got Zoe ready. Would she …

Happy Birthday, Little Monkey

Dearest Zoe, It is hard to believe that exactly 2 years ago this very moment, I was laying in a hospital bed watching my little newborn sleep peacefully in her bed. That day was the beginning of a life I had dreamed of, but I had no idea just how much you would change my life and fill me with more love and joy than I ever fathomed. Today is your 2nd birthday. You're two! And in some ways that feels like that just cannot be possible. It was only just yesterday that I heard you cry out for the first time and I got to hold you in my arms. And now you are this little girl, full of spunk and personality.

You have a flair for the dramatic and a great sense of humor. You've got some serious dance moves and a love for singing. You love to hug. You love to explore and take things apart to see how they work. You adore being outside, running, playing, smelling the flowers. You love your Bailey and Max. You love Tinkerbell and Ariel and Bolt. You think brushing your teeth is so much fun and…

Still Here

It's been a while. I've been busy. Having two kids isn't easy... I am grateful I have such an amazing partner - in parenthood and life. I laugh every single day. I also teach, learn, and grow as my children do before my eyes. Speaking of... I wish I had a camera built into my eyes so I could capture every single moment. These are the days I want to remember always.This is hard work, but so worth it.

Conversations With Zoe

Mommy?Yes? Mama! Yes, honey? Mamaaaa!! Yes, Zoe? What's that? Mama's pumping. What's that? Mama's making milk for our baby. What's that? It's milk. PAUSE. Chocolate. No. Just regular milk for the baby. Chocolate milk? No. Plain milk, for the baby. LONG PAUSE. What's that? It's mama's pump. So she can make milk for our baby. Mama? Yes, Zoe? What's that? It's milk, honey. Just like what mama used to do for you. Good job, mama! Thank you, Zoe.

Zoe has been telling me "good job" a lot lately. Whether I'm changing her or Finnegan's diaper, pumping, fixing her breakfast, reading to her, etc, she will look at me square in the eye, nod her head and tell me "Good job, mama." After a particularly horrible diaper of hers last week, she smiled and said, "GREAT job, mama!" I've never been one to feel under appreciated by Daniel or the kids, but these extra words of encouragement from Zoe have been lovely to hear. It's a nice feeling …


Last week, my friend Jen wrote a post where she declared herself a "glass-half-empty kind of person" and it got me thinking about what type of person I am.
First thought that comes to mind is I'm a glass-half-full gal.
And then I start to have my doubts about that.
Truth be told, if I hear a friend getting all down on themselves or their situation... I generally have something positive to say. I want to pick them up and enlighten them. I want them to have a positive outlook so that they can be the change they want or need. I want them to be happy and I want to help them be happy because that makes me happy. Happy happy happy.
That said, I am not this optimistic for myself. At least not anymore. I couldn't tell you for sure when this changed.
It could have been during my first marriage and in the year before I met Daniel when I felt lost and hopeless and like the world was against me.
It could have been when I got injured at work... just a simple sprain... and developed RS…

Nevermind that the headphones weren't actually plugged into anything...

My girl has music in her heart.
Have a great weekend.

Remembering Maddie

Thanks to It's a Schmitty Life for sharing this.

There Are No Words....

Sometimes my non-blogger friends and family do not get why I blog or how I can form these friendships with bloggers and bring them up in everyday conversation like I have known them for years. And my answer is this: I found blogging when I was starting over in life. I'd left a very bad marriage that did not allow me to form relationships with other people and moved to a city where I had only two "real" friends. I started a blog because I wanted to make a connection with people like me and since I've always been better at expressing myself in written words rather than spoken words, I felt extremely comfortable.

Blogging has allowed me to deal quite publicly with divorce, an abusive relationship, health problems, my beloved Nana's cancer and death, and my own infertility issues. It has given me a place to write about finding the love of my life, planning our wedding, our crazy dog children, pregnancy, and what it's like being a mom to Zoe and Finnegan.

I'm no…

Just HAD to share

She is my light, my inspiration, my joy, and my amazingly beautiful little girl. I simply cannot believe how quickly she has become a little girl since we brought her home almost two years ago.

See the individual pics HERE.

Confessions from a mother of two

In a matter of days, Finnegan will be three months old. That is so crazy for me to even imagine. In some ways it feels like he has been a part of our family for years, like his place is with me and Daniel and his sister. Like there was always this place carved out for him with us and he is exactly where he is supposed to be. And sometimes I look at him and how much he has grown and how interactive he has become and I ask him how this is even possible because we just brought him home! He is supposed to be little and delicate, but he isn't. He is my big, strong, three month old with a killer smile, flirty eyes, quick temper and lively personality.

Things weren't easy at first. For the first few weeks that Finnegan was home, I cried every single day. I cried when Zoe cried and when Finnegan cried. I cried when I was away from Zoe. I cried when I needed a break. I cried because of television shows and movies. I cried because we had ants in the house. I cried because I was exhauste…


She was our first kid. We brought her into our tiny little apartment five years ago this week. Back then we thought getting a puppy would add even more joy to our lives - we were right. Turns out, Bailey was our test run with having someone depend on us as a couple, working together. There were some hiccups: accidents in the house, CD's were eaten, books shredded, her face puffed up after being stung by a bee, etc. But she was the ingredient that helped us grow from a couple to a family as soon as we took her home.

Now we live in a house with a big backyard for her to share with her pug brother, Max. She's now one of four... with two younger human siblings. But Bailey will always be our little, neurotic, "Stinkbutt". At five years old - her birthday was January 3rd - she's still very much a puppy in that troublemaker way.... and a very important member of our family.

Happy Anniversary, Bailey!