Monday, July 20, 2009

Hello Again

I think - aside from the worry you feel when your child is sick - right now the hardest thing for me about being a mother is remembering that I am more than Zoe and Finnegan's mother. Does that make sense?

What I mean is, sometimes, I feel myself getting so wrapped up in the children and the act of mothering them, I forget that I am more than that. I forget to nurture the other facets of my life. I forget that I am also a wife, a friend, a daughter, a creative. I forget to take the time to take care of the things that make me who I am. I forget that I am the sum of ALL my parts and that ignoring any part for too long makes me antsy, frustrated, and less proud of who I am.

Now, clearly... having two children ages 2 and almost 7 months means you have less time for other stuff. It means that these two little beings depend on you for everything and that other things take the backseat. I understand that. I embrace that. I am so happy that I get to stay home with these kids. When the choice between staying home with my kids every night and going out to rehearsals and hanging out with fellow actors became necessary, I chose to stay at home until the kids were old enough to do shows with me or until I felt like the time was right. There was a slight sadness, but not a moments hesitation because I know that theatre will be there for me again someday even if the parts may be different or smaller. But now I know that if I don't have theatre, then I need to spend more time doing the other things that have made me feel proud, creative, like my own person.

So, I'm exploring that.

I need to find a way to make photography blend into my life with the kids. I'm anxious for this damn heat to subside so I can take them out shooting with me. I'm looking into taking the steps I need to learn more and develop my skills into a small business.

And then there's my writing. I'm not the fiction writer my husband is, but I definitely have a passion for putting my thoughts into words. I enjoy sharing my stories and perspective. I love that I have a blog to look back on and see how much I've grown as a person. It makes me happy that someday my kids are going to read my words and learn more about who their mother is... that they will have a record of their beginnings and that when I am gone, they might still hear my voice through the words on paper. I've neglected my writing for a while now, and I need to find a way to make time for it again.

There's more, but just as Finnegan is slowly getting more mobile - as of today he now can sit up on his own! - I need to take baby steps in figuring out how to make time for me.

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