Saturday, April 25, 2009

Conversations With Zoe

Mommy?
Yes?
Mama!
Yes, honey?
Mamaaaa!!
Yes, Zoe?
What's that?
Mama's pumping.
What's that?
Mama's making milk for our baby.
What's that?
It's milk.
PAUSE.
Chocolate.
No. Just regular milk for the baby.
Chocolate milk?
No. Plain milk, for the baby.
LONG PAUSE.
What's that?
It's mama's pump. So she can make milk for our baby.
Mama?
Yes, Zoe?
What's that?
It's milk, honey. Just like what mama used to do for you.
Good job, mama!
Thank you, Zoe.

1,2,3

Zoe has been telling me "good job" a lot lately. Whether I'm changing her or Finnegan's diaper, pumping, fixing her breakfast, reading to her, etc, she will look at me square in the eye, nod her head and tell me "Good job, mama." After a particularly horrible diaper of hers last week, she smiled and said, "GREAT job, mama!" I've never been one to feel under appreciated by Daniel or the kids, but these extra words of encouragement from Zoe have been lovely to hear. It's a nice feeling to know that she has picked up this need to express her feelings and that she is indeed pleased with the "work" I am doing for her. Even more so though, it means she is hearing the adults in her life tell each other when they are doing a good job and she herself is being told "Good job!" frequently. It means we are in fact, doing a good job at teaching her to be positive, encouraging and thoughtful and that makes me very proud.

Emery Girls

Now, if I could only figure out why she keeps telling us to "Stand back!" She does so very seriously when she thinks we're about to take her plate away. Very authoritative, very protective, very... cute. But also a little bit bossy.

I feel like this one should be called "I did it MYYYY wayyyy"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Glasses

Last week, my friend Jen wrote a post where she declared herself a "glass-half-empty kind of person" and it got me thinking about what type of person I am.

First thought that comes to mind is I'm a glass-half-full gal.

And then I start to have my doubts about that.

Truth be told, if I hear a friend getting all down on themselves or their situation... I generally have something positive to say. I want to pick them up and enlighten them. I want them to have a positive outlook so that they can be the change they want or need. I want them to be happy and I want to help them be happy because that makes me happy. Happy happy happy.

That said, I am not this optimistic for myself. At least not anymore. I couldn't tell you for sure when this changed.

It could have been during my first marriage and in the year before I met Daniel when I felt lost and hopeless and like the world was against me.

It could have been when I got injured at work... just a simple sprain... and developed RSD/CRPS in my arm and had to undergo painful treatments and ridiculous amounts of medicine - like Morphine - to manage the pain.

It could have been when my Nana lost her battle with cancer and I was struck with the very real and pessimistic fear that I too might face a similar passing even though I quit smoking five years ago.

More likely though, it was the realization that I have something so amazing, pure, and uncommon with Daniel that I started having this fear that it would be taken away from me. This feeling grew exponentially with the knowledge that I was going to get to be a mother and then when I held each of my children in my arms for the first time, and has only gotten worse as I see all the horrible things that happen daily on the news and yes, in the blog world.

Daniel is the cheerleader of our family now. While I take it upon myself to try to lift everyone around me and spare them my insecurities, fears, and pessimism... he is the one who assures me that everything is going to be alright.

And for the most part I believe him, because despite everything, we have persevered. We have gotten through the challenges thrown our way. We have healed from our losses. We have learned to manage the pain. We are good, loving parents to our children. We're pretty much sleeping through the night.

But sometimes I want to tell him, "My glass is half empty!" And he seems to know and he convinces me that no, it's filled to the brim.

Sometimes my outlook is so bad I see no glass at all, let alone a half empty one. "Someone stole my fricken glass! Who does that?" And he finds some way to remind me that the glasses are all in the cabinet ready to be filled up.

And I know all of this is true. I know because these are the things I tell myself, but I believe it more when Daniel has his arms wrapped around me.

I'm a glass-half-empty gal, but I don't want to be. I need a refill. Kthnxbai.




Monday, April 13, 2009

There Are No Words....

Sometimes my non-blogger friends and family do not get why I blog or how I can form these friendships with bloggers and bring them up in everyday conversation like I have known them for years. And my answer is this: I found blogging when I was starting over in life. I'd left a very bad marriage that did not allow me to form relationships with other people and moved to a city where I had only two "real" friends. I started a blog because I wanted to make a connection with people like me and since I've always been better at expressing myself in written words rather than spoken words, I felt extremely comfortable.

Blogging has allowed me to deal quite publicly with divorce, an abusive relationship, health problems, my beloved Nana's cancer and death, and my own infertility issues. It has given me a place to write about finding the love of my life, planning our wedding, our crazy dog children, pregnancy, and what it's like being a mom to Zoe and Finnegan.

I'm not a popular blogger. But I feel very, very lucky to have formed friendships with some amazing women - like Jen... who I "met" when we were each planning our June 2005 weddings and who was one of my pregnancy buddies last year.

And Nanette. Who I still have not met in person, GAH! but I just adore. She was so thoughtful when I was going through Nana's death and I will never forget that.

And Geekmom - who used to go by a different name, but sent me this gorgeous pendant for me to wear to keep me calm during my wedding week. I cherish it still and am so glad I found her again.

And Sizzle - her words have cheered me when I have been down on myself as a woman and a mother. She is an excellent person to have in your corner.

And many more, but today all I can really think about is Shana.

I think I found her through Sizzle and I am so grateful for that because finding her meant I had another pregnancy buddy to talk to, even if I didn't find her until we were both almost done carrying our boys. We had so much in common - like, say, the conception date! and of course, our due dates.... but also we both knew our boys would be delivered via c-section and we spent many days counting down to the dates we had chosen. Her precious Thalon was born just over a week before Finnegan and I checked daily for updates on how she was doing. And then I sort of fell off the radar because being a mom to a toddler and a new baby isn't so easy. My heart broke this morning when I read about Thalon. I am at a complete loss for what to say because I know that nothing I say will make this better... but my prayers are with Shana and her family right now.

Here's proof that the blog world really is amazing: Go to Whoorl's site and help Shana's family with hospital and funeral expenses by using donation link at the bottom of her post. Please keep Shana and her family in your thoughts and prayers and donate if you can.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Just HAD to share

Backyard Shenanigans


She is my light, my inspiration, my joy, and my amazingly beautiful little girl. I simply cannot believe how quickly she has become a little girl since we brought her home almost two years ago.

See the individual pics HERE.