Thursday, January 17, 2008

Debbie Downer

So I haven't exactly been a ray of sunshine lately. I'm happy, don't get me wrong. How could I not be with Daniel and Zoe in my life? We have so much love in this house and are truly blessed with good friends, family, dog children, etc. I'm just feeling really insecure about my appearance and my capabilities. I lost all my pregnancy weight almost instantly. This would be awesome if I hadn't already been overweight to begin with. Instead, I'm just the same big girl I was before only now my stomach is worse and my boobs are taking over my body. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted and that is a horrible, sad feeling. It's especially hard given my history with body issues. When Daniel tells me I am beautiful and/or sexy I have a really hard time internally because I just don't feel that way. I worry that someday Zoe is going to look at me and be ashamed of how I look. I worry that Daniel is going to look at me and decide he's not attracted to me anymore. I know both of these thoughts are completely irrational. Daniel loves me for me and saw me at my worse long before we decided to get married - the problem is completely me.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it. We're cooking more at home and that's a start. I'm considering going on my very low carb diet that I did when I had gestational diabetes. I know that Zoe and I are going to get out and do walking in her stroller. I'm considering Weight Watchers.But the truth is, I like food and I eat when I'm bored or sad. It sucks.

And as far as my capabilities go, I know I'm still learning. I'm actually doing a decent job keeping this house in order, Zoe happy and taking time daily to sort out my thoughts and blog. Internally, I've been struggling with who I am now. The show I was supposed to be in opens this weekend. I didn't talk about it here because I was so ashamed and sad, but I had to drop it. I was so sick and tired and then Zoe and Daniel got sick too and I knew doing theatre at this point was not right for any of us, especially me. I have an immune deficiency problem that strikes whenever I get rundown or stressed. I'm sick at least once a month and being in a show only compounds that problem. It was tough before I had Zoe to do shows and now? Well, anyone who has kids knows it's not easy being sick when you have a baby to take care of. Having theatre out of my life feels like a big gaping hole though. I need to fill it with something.

OK. I need to run. I'm dropping Zoe off at Cheryl and going to get my hair cut and colored. The grey hair, roots and mushroom head are doing nothing for my self confidence right now.

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