Monday, May 12, 2008

Drained

This last week (and especially the last 41 hours) has been physically and emotionally draining. Between finding out we have a new baby on the way, our little girl being sick, me and Daniel being sick, and then losing Evan Saturday night... I'm exhausted. Seeing Zoe's happy little face, focusing on our growing family, the support Daniel and I get from each other and our friends and family is what is getting us through this.

My dad put it very well yesterday afternoon when he told me how blessed Daniel and I are to have such strong relationships with our friends and family. He said one of the dangers of having so many amazing people in our lives is that eventually we are going to lose them and that really, we all go before our time. He said what we need to hold on to is the time we did have with our friend and make more memories with the people still with us.

Unlike my husband, I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Evan - but I'd looked forward to those camping trips we said we'd all take at Leakey. I looked forward to my children being around their uncle and learning his quirky, fun sense of humor and about his interest in travel, language, movies, etc. My hope is that the rest of us can all plan a trip to Leakey sometime soon to keep that tradition alive over the years. Leakey has been a special place for Daniel and his friends. I think now more than ever, we should try to make it a tradition to return there to continue celebrating the various rites of passage our lives take (already there has been 4 marriages, 1 birth and now two wives are pregnant now - our tribe is growing).

Losing my grandparents was painful and sad and I miss them every day and wish they were here, but losing someone who had so much life in him and who had so much to offer this world hurts beyond measure and leaves me sad... angry... scared. It scares me that life can be taken away so quickly. I found myself panicking when Daniel left the house yesterday and this morning. I felt anxious driving Zoe to Cheryl's today. I feel myself wanting to put all of my loved ones in a little bubble to keep them safe and protected even though I know this is unrealistic and irrational. I feel less naive today than I was two days ago. I feel drained.

In about two hours I have an appointment at my OB/GYN's office for my "orientation". I'm sort of perplexed since I was nine months pregnant a year ago and don't really feel like I need them to tell me what not to eat and how to take care of myself and this baby. What I am looking forward to is getting the results of my quantitative blood test. We really have no idea how far along I am because I was so irregular, so I'm hoping this test will pinpoint more of a range based on my HcG levels. From there we'll be able to decide when the best time is to do our first ultrasound and then we can get an even more accurate measurement. Like I said before, it helps to be able to focus on this new life inside me and on Zoe. We'll take all the good news and joy we can get right now.

Do me a favor - reach out to your friends and loved ones today. Make plans with people you haven't gotten together with for a while. I promise, you won't regret it.

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