Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Where I've Been

So, the last time I blogged I said that I'd be back. I insinuated that I would not be a stranger on this here blog, that I had a lot to say/share. I lied. Obviously.

It's not that there hasn't been a lot going on - things worth sharing. Oh, there has.

The thing is, I tend to go into shut down mode quite frequently. It's either shut down and stop communicating or spew it all out on this blog. Once upon a time that would have been my first go to (after talking to Daniel) but since I made that bold move to share this with friends and family that stopped being an option. I'm used to people seeing me in one light - and I don't like making people worry. I prefer keeping a smile on my face and sucking it up - I've been doing this since my early twenties when that felt like the only option.

I imagine that my family can't handle seeing me any other way... so I sometimes hide how I feel because I find myself wanting to protect them. And as far as friends go, I'm told so many times how positive and happy I am, I think I worry that if I'm not that way all the time that I'm less appealing as a friend. I'm used to being the one who listens and tries to help people through their stuff, I never feel right unloading on anyone else. It's a hang up of mine and I know it sounds stupid. I think the worst part is I have all these ideals of who or what I should be and when I don't meet my own expectations I beat myself up to the point where I can't stand who I am. It's a sad feeling.

So... I've been struggling emotionally. Maybe it's the exhaustion from entertaining and chasing Zoe around the house while my body is going through all these changes nourishing this pregnancy. Maybe it's the tight $10 a day budget we've had to put ourselves on because we are overextended financially and are in a rough patch - summer is never a good time for us as far as money is concerned. Maybe it's this horrible heat that pretty much keeps us indoors all the time (Hey, it saves money!) because going outside makes me want to pass out. Maybe it's the illnesses I keep having to fight off and nurse. I don't know. I know that I've let things slide around this house. My energy goes towards my daughter, Daniel, the dogs, this baby on the way and trying to stay healthy. I forget to nourish myself. I ignore dishes, laundry, cleaning because I feel so overextended/tired and then I feel even worse having us in such a messy house. I question whether or not I'm a good wife and mother and I feel guilty for not being good enough for them. I feel bad that I've been ignoring the friends who keep trying to reconnect with me/us, but I also feel like I have no choice. I feel like the house is too messy to have people over and our budget is too tight for meeting for lunch or dinner.

So with all of that, I've been kind of depressed. And I hate saying that because who the hell am I to be depressed? I have an amazing husband, beautiful daughter, a baby on the way, and supportive friends and family. I may feel sick a lot, but I do have my health and despite that tight budget we live a good life. Still, there were days in the last month where it took all my energy to not cry and then it took even more to try to snap out of it and put on a happy face for Zoe (which I did, I always do).

Talking to Daniel eases a lot of those emotions. We are both very blessed to share the friendship we do. He's the only person that I feel like I can be myself with 100% of the time and he gives me the strength I sometimes forget I have. He sheds a positive light on things when I need him to and he seems to just know when all I need is for him to listen and hug.

Anyway, that's where I've been. A couple weeks ago I told myself I needed to suck it up and get over all those insecurities and I've been crying less. I focus on Zoe and Daniel. I treated myself to a movie yesterday (Mamma Mia - loved it). I've been trying to slowly start communicating with friends via email and when I get energy bursts I try to straighten the house where I can. I spend my mornings (after Daniel has left for work and Zoe is still sleeping) singing to the baby on the way and imagining who they will be and how they will fit into our family.

I even find myself doing some affirmations:

"I am a good mother."
"I can handle whatever comes my way."
"I am not failing, I'm doing a great job."
"I'll stop being so hard on myself."
"I am strong."

Last Friday Daniel and I went for our gender ultrasound. Watching that screen and seeing our baby move around brought tears to my eyes. So peaceful. So calm and relaxed. I watched him (for those of you that missed my MANY announcements... We're having a boy!) and felt myself breathing with him. Seeing him there: our little guy without a care in the world... holding his feet, his hand to his face, squirming this way and that; I felt my shoulders lighten just like they do when I watch Zoe dance or play.

Dancing at my little cousins wedding

Everything is going to be just fine, I know it.

No comments: