Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Big Changes

So, I’m not sure if any one ever reads these posts anymore... but hello. It’s been a while. I’d recap what I’ve been up to, but I’ve decided to just leave that up to mystery. Ha.

What I will tell you is that sometime yesterday I made the commitment to myself (and out loud to my husband) that it’s time for me to get back on track with healthy eating and trying to be a healthier person overall. I’ve been down this road before - I had some successes and then maybe because I had those successes, I was able to get pregnant with my son without any extra help (fertility drugs). Because of gestational diabetes, I was able to maintain my weight through strict management of my carb intake. I felt better about myself.

And then we had our car accident and my way of dealing with the stress was to eat. I ate entirely too much. When I was sad or upset, I turned to unhealthy foods. I started a ritual of eating ice cream nightly. Every. Single. Night. A huge bowl. And sometimes I’d have seconds. It was gluttonous and crazy and irresponsible. But it was comforting. I know it sounds crazy, but that ice cream was my salvation. I would sit there with my bowl (or bowls) after the kids had gone to bed and disappear. I didn’t think about my stressful day or medical bills - I just focused on the chocolate chip ice cream and I was content.

I’ve gained 15 pounds since September 27th and when I look at myself, I hate what I see. When I think about the example I’m setting for my kids, I want to cry. And I know that my weight has had a impact on my health and has definitely played a part in my continued pain from the car accident.

Last January, I had my chiropractor suggest that I have a gastric bypass. It hurt my heart to sit there and have him tell me that I would never be able to lose the weight I needed to, on my own. He told me I was going to waste my youth - that he would “bet” that I was “pretty hot under all that weight.” And in those moments in his office, I suddenly felt the ugliest I had ever felt in my life. I told Daniel about it right away and he is 100% supportive of whatever I want to do. We made an appointment with a surgeon to discuss my options, but the consultation was postponed because the doc was backed up and we never went back. The idea of having surgery scared me and I was concerned about not being able to get pregnant for at least 2 years after the procedure. That would mean if we decided we wanted a third child, we’d have to wait and then I’d have to be very careful with my eating and undoubtedly gain some weight back. So we sat on it.

And I ate more ice cream.

Which brings me back to last night.

As I was sipping on a glass of wine and nibbling on a piece of feta and an olive, I told Daniel that I could eat this and be happy. And then it was like a slap in the face: I could and SHOULD be eating better.
“I want to make some changes and eat healthier.”
“OK. It would mean giving up your ice cream.”
“Right.”

And then there was this silence as I considered that and processed what Daniel had said - what he had obviously said because he’d been thinking it for a while. I felt like I was sitting in the Chiropractor’s office again. “I bet you’re pretty hot under all that weight.” I felt my face burn with shame.

“You must hate the way I look.”
“No. I love the way you look. I love you. No matter what.”

There were more sweet things said... but I’ll leave those between us. The point is, I was transported back to my home and pushed the Chiropractor’s words out of my head for a bit.

After dinner, we ran to the store to get some healthy snacks and a water bottle to track water intake.

Later, as Daniel slept next to me, I signed up for an iPhone app that gives me a calorie budget to help me get to my desired weight. It can track carb and fiber intake. It alerts me when I need to snack and it tracks calories burned based on the exercise and amount of time spent exercising.

I haven’t given up on the idea of a gastric bypass or lap band. Daniel and I decided not that long ago that we won’t be planning on any more kids - so my one concern is... no longer a concern. I do want to see what kind of progress I can make on my own though. Just admitting to myself and putting out here for anyone to see is a huge step.

So, I guess this also means I’m back. Back to blogging, I mean. I’ve missed this outlet, certainly... but I also know that if I do not put myself out there and share what my goals are, I will back away slowly and go buy a gallon of ice cream. Help me not do that, OK?

No comments: