Let Them Be

One of my children pushes themselves very hard. Sometimes to the point where we have to remind them how awesome they are doing and that it’s ok to relax. They stay up late doing homework and studying. They put extra effort in on projects. If you set a challenge in front of them, it will make them anxious because they want to be the best, but they will jump at the chance to participate anyway. They will get frustrated when things don’t come as easy for them. They are hard working and smart. They are emotional and sensitive. This child wants to belong. They thrive in groups and always stand out as being friendly and kind.

Adults love this kids engagement and optimism.  This child actively seeks validation and recognition. They enjoy being a part of team. They love opportunities to be in the spotlight - whether it’s on stage or drawing attention to themselves by dressing up for theme days.

This child came home yesterday with marker on their nose because they didn’t have time to go to the bathroom to clean it off... and they didn’t mind having a dozen kids ask them what was wrong because usually any attention is good attention.

I get this kid.

One of my kids is a non conformist. If there is a dress up day at school, they’d rather not participate. If everyone else is doing something, they’d usually rather do something else. Math and Science comes very easy to them. They don’t have to (or want to) spend a bunch of time on homework or studying. They are always in a hurry to finish the task they don’t really feel like doing so that they can do the thing they actually care about. They usually come home from school and tell me they didn’t learn anything or they were bored - unless their teacher let them do hands on learning and experiments. They don’t want to be the group leader, the spelling bee champion or the star of the show. They want to get the job done and get out. They will learn everyone’s lines and stage direction and be happy filling in that gap upstage left but if you ask them to cross center, they’ll volunteer someone else for the job. They watch and observe and can tell you the better way to do something and why, but if it’s extra, they’re just going to read their book instead.  

Most adults enjoy this child’s calm and maturity. They appreciate the child’s sense of humor and relaxed nature. Some adults mistake their observing nature for disinterest. Adults sometimes dislike the questions they ask because they think it’s questioning authority instead of wanting to know how/why things work.

When we started reading the Harry Potter series when this child was 4, I assumed they would want to be sorted into Gryffindor like the protagonist. No. “I really want Slytherin.” Really? Are you sure? “Yes.” OK. This child isn’t afraid of being different. They want to be seen as an equal. They like being in charge. They are comfortable with quiet and being independent. They tell me all the time that they are going to move to London when they’re an adult. When their sibling says, “Won’t you miss everyone?!” They shake their head, “That’s what visits are for.”

I don’t always get this kid. And that’s OK.

Obviously, I adore both of them. I could go on and on about how amazing each of them is. This isn’t about which one is better or who is more like me because I see so much of me in both of them (which is awesome and frustrating on many levels).

I don’t always know how to parent them. Each of them has their own sets of challenges as I try to navigate how to best parent them. How to let them thrive and learn and grow from experiences. I find myself wanting to balance myself between protecting and encouraging. I want to spare them hurt feelings and disappointment. I want to build them up and let them be ok with “winning” or “losing”. I don’t want people to take advantage of their good hearts or see their kindness as weakness. I want them to stumble and “fail” and pick themselves up and try again. I want them to feel safe making decisions. I want them to be careful and protect themselves, but I don’t want them to always make the safe or easy choice. I want them to be successful and know that success doesn’t look the same for everyone.

A few weeks ago, one of my children was invited to apply for the honors society. One was not (because they invite in a different year). The one who was invited wanted nothing to do with it. They didn’t want to fill out the questionnaire or ask their teachers for help. They didn’t want to have extra work. They didn’t see the benefit. I wanted to force them to apply. I wanted to make them do this thing so their work was recognized. I wanted my child to feel like we were celebrating them. I wanted them to feel a sense of accomplishment because I thought there was value in that.

I wanted.

They did not.

And while I wanted to force them into this box that they didn’t want to be in, I listened to the voice that said, “Let them be.”

Let them be.

Let them be who they want to be. Let them know you believe in them and their capabilities AND that you respect who they are. Let them feel safe and secure in the knowledge that they don’t have to be like their siblings, friends or their parents. Tell them they could be. Tell them that if they apply themselves and work hard they could also do that “thing” AND that it’s ok if they don’t feel passionate about it. Encourage them to find things they want to work towards. Trust that some day, there will be some project that grabs their attention and they will want to participate because it sounds interesting or exciting. Trust this little person with the big heart and mind. Remember that as much as this child is like you, they are very much an individual, which is something you have always encouraged them to be.  Let them feel safe knowing that you love them and honor who they are as a person and that you are so so proud of them.

…

“Did your friends get in?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you wish you’d applied?”

“Not really. Do you wish you made me?”

“Not really. Ummm. Maybe a little.”

“I’m really glad I didn’t have to do that.”

“I understand.”

Later -

“I read 332 pages at school today.”

“That’s awesome! Is it good?”

“Yeah.”

“You must have finished your test quickly to read that fast.”

“I wasn’t the first. I wanted my essay to be really good, so I outlined everything and planned it.”

“I bet your essay was great.”

“I hope so.”