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Let Them Be

One of my children pushes themselves very hard. Sometimes to the point where we have to remind them how awesome they are doing and that it’s ok to relax. They stay up late doing homework and studying. They put extra effort in on projects. If you set a challenge in front of them, it will make them anxious because they want to be the best, but they will jump at the chance to participate anyway. They will get frustrated when things don’t come as easy for them. They are hard working and smart. They are emotional and sensitive. This child wants to belong. They thrive in groups and always stand out as being friendly and kind. Adults love this kids engagement and optimism.  This child actively seeks validation and recognition. They enjoy being a part of team. They love opportunities to be in the spotlight - whether it’s on stage or drawing attention to themselves by dressing up for theme days. This child came home yesterday with marker on their nose because they didn’t have time to go
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Sick

On Saturday I woke up with awful allergies. Sneezing. Running nose. Coughing. Hell.  Later that night, I got the surprise that I’d started my period. At nearly 43, it’s still comes as surprise because I don’t expect it to be regular. Because for most of my adult life, it wasn’t. Now that I am done having children, my uterus is as dependable as my children are loud (very). I can also count on at least two days of the most excruciating pain - the kind that makes me walk hunched over and cry like a baby. Lately I’ve been told this isn’t actually normal so I’ll need to go to the doctor about it soon - except my pregnancy with the twins has made me never want to see a gynecologist again.  I woke up at 2am Sunday with 102 something temperature. We went to the urgent care where they threw Tamiflu and a ZPak at me for my second round of the flu and also because my immune system is such crap.  I’m iga deficient which means I am prone to infections anywhere with a mucosal lining - I kno
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A Story...

Last year, just because, Daniel ordered me a surprise. The moment I saw the shape of the box I had an idea what it was. I opened the box excited to see what new vinyl my husband thought I would enjoy.  KEB' MO' : "BLUESAMERICANA" Hmm. I do not know this Keb Mo. I wonder why Daniel sent me this. Let me just flip it over and read the song titles and see if he is trying to send me a message:  The Worst Is Yet To Come  Somebody Hurt You  Do It Right  I'm Gonna Be Your Man  Move  For Better Or Worse  That's Alright  The Old Me Better  More For Your Money  So Long Goodbye  Ummmmm. Sooooo? I.... So I sent him a text. I can't remember what It said, but I think I asked him if everything was alright and I think he said something that indicated it was and why, so I said I just got my Amazon package... If I remember correctly, he sent back a smiley face and asked me if I liked it. Ummm... yes... So I listed a few of the songs and
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Breaking

Today wasn't an easy day. I mean, if we're being honest (and that's what this is) it hasn't been an easy TIME. Being back in California has its positives (I'm looking at you, friends) but it's also been a huge stress. We miss Texas - almost everything about it, actually - but especially the life we built there, our community, the great activities for our family and the cost of living. I feel like I'm supposed to stop there and it's not polite to talk about money, or politics, or religion, but UGH. It's expensive to live here. Really expensive. And if we're being really REALLY honest, we're struggling. Dogs getting cancer and roofs needing to be replaced and relocating is expensive. State income taxes are no joke. Having four kids isn't the cheapest choice. We're managing and we'll get by, but it's stressful. Personally, I'm struggling because I feel useless. Like I am not contributing to my family. And before you tell
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Heavy

The Animal Hospital where we took Bailey called a couple weeks ago to let us know that her ashes were ready to pick up. I told them I'd be there the next day and I realized later that was a lie. My heart felt heavy when I heard their words. I didn't feel ready to bring her back home because I knew I wasn't really bringing her home. She's gone.  So I waited. And each day I drove by that place where I left a piece of my heart, I felt heavier and heavier. So I started taking a different route to and from Finnegan's school. If I took a different road, I could try to forget that place and what we did there. I could try to push away that sadness. But the thing is, I couldn't. I can't. I feel that sadness every day. When I see another Boston Terrier. When the girls call for their Bailey and are confused when we tell them she is gone and can't come back, not ever. When Finnegan tells me he thinks Maxie is lonely and needs a friend again. I forced my
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How We Said Goodbye

Zoe asked me yesterday what I've written recently for my blog. "Nothing, baby. I haven't written since I wrote about saying goodbye to Bailey." "Oh. You should write something. I think it's cool you have a blog." So I pulled up my blog and realized, I didn't write about saying goodbye. Not really. I wrote about how she joined our family and how much we loved her, but I couldn't tell the story of how we knew we had to let her go. It was a Saturday. After more than a week of her cuddling with us more and making us think maybe she was going to be with us a little bit longer after all, I looked at her and knew she wasn't herself. I held her on my bed and ran my hand over the stripe on the top of her head and around her neck the way she always liked. I kneaded her neck and told her what a sweet girl she was. Her right eye was swollen. Blind for almost four years already, her pretty chocolate eyes had been covered in white clouds, but th
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Bailey 1/3/2004 - 8/27/2016

We saw an ad in the paper for Boston a Terrier puppies for sale. We'd been together for just over a year and I'd wanted us to get a dog for oh, about a year. We researched what the right breed for us would be. Not a pug, he said, "their eyes fall out and you have to put them back in with a spoon." What?! No! (That has never happened to Maxie, by the way.) So we decided on a Boston Terrier. Good companion dogs - protective, great travelers. Wonderful with children (not that we were going to have any but you know, in case friends ever did).  So we drove up a mountain to where the puppies were and when we got there, I remember feeling like this place was not what I thought it would be. I expected someone's home but this was a large property with multiple buildings and a trailer. I expected to see a litter with their mama. There were tons of cages and Bostons of all sizes. To my horror, we were in a puppy mill. We walked up to an area filled with about six pups,
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